Santa truther steals Christmas joy
On December 18th, exactly one week away from the happiest day in most children’s lives, the beloved community of Joel Olsteen Elementary School was thrown for a twist when a 36-year-old art teacher with a ponytail, Rupert Mugbone III, forced devastating news upon the student body. Following morning announcements and the pledge of allegiance, Mugbone busted into Principal Olsteen's office and hijacked the school intercom. He then connected to all classroom channels and revealed that Santa Claus was not in fact real and why he wasn’t. Reports from the teachers in the rooms were just heartbreaking.
“All the faculty had planned to wear stripes to be Santa's elves that morning. So, when I saw Mr. Mugbone wearing all black, I grew concerned,” said Mrs. Huckle, 3rd grade teacher.
“My students went fu*kin Bats*it crazy!! Kids were throwing chairs, some were balled up in fetal position, our class pet died.. well he’s been dead for like a week but, it was f*ckin insane! Nobody knew what in the H E double hockey sticks was going on” reported religious studies teacher, Lucile F. Erman.
Parents weighed in on the tragedy as well. “I want that man in JAIL. He ruined my 8th grader's life by revealing that Santa wasn’t real. NOW WHAT are my kids gonna believe!? That their parents worked hard to buy them presents because they love them??” When asked a follow up as to why her 8th grade son still believed, she broke down into tears. “This is just wrong!” claims a local homeschooling, stay-at-home mother who can’t mind her own freakin business.
The school was closed for the rest of the week to recover from the events to prepare for a very unmagical Christmas break. A candlelight service will be held in memorium of bliss & happiness.
We went to Mugbones’ home in search of answers. “Rupert still lives in our basement,” states Lady Mugbone, Rupert’s mother. “Rupert was a small and sickly child and often felt inadequate due to his stature, so we always told him it’s okay that he’s little because one day, he’ll be the perfect size to work as one of Santa’s elves. He took that and held onto it intensely… a little too intensely… He would have violent outbursts if we ever told him the truth... It's like when we told him the easter bunny wasn’t real…. The petting zoo has not come back to town since then. We then decided to keep the belief in Santa going well into his adulthood since he continued to live with us well into his 30’s."
“The boy's retarded” reports Mr. Mugbone’s father.
Two statements have been made by Mall Santas. Both claimed to have been followed, and one was even assaulted by Mugbone. Santa #1 refused to speak with us, but Santa #2 cooperated. Our Not-So-Jolly Santa claimed anonymity due to ‘pending circumstances’.
F But he reports as follows:
“At first, I thought it was the feds- ya know- hehe not that the feds would have any reason to be tailing me for something that may or may not still be under investigation but doesn’t hold relevance because I was a minor at the time as- well whatever, so I thought it was feds… But when I parked, I saw some kid hobble out of the car with a baseball bat and figured it wasn’t feds, so I hung around and smoked a cig before I went inside because the landlord won’t give me my fucking deposit back if the place smells like smoke.”
But when Santa #2 entered his apartment what he saw was nothing short of an eerie sight.
“It was fuckin bananas! All these elves on the shelves hanging from the ceiling with tinsel around their necks. Water covered my fuckin rug with graves stones that said, “Here lies Frosty the snowman” When I look up, it’s the fuckin kid with the baseball bat and I think to myself, Holy fishpaste, I’ll never get my deposit back if this water molds up the carpet, so I says to him, “hey buddy you better get tf outta here or I’ll shoot ya” then he’s saying some weird shit like ‘I sees you when you’re sleeping, I know when you’re awake’ and started beating me with the foam bat yelling “YOURE NOT HIM YOURE NOT HIM YOURE NOT HIM”
When questioned on why he didn’t call the police our anonymous source, he replied "'pending circumstances' for something that may or may not still be under investigation but doesn’t hold relevance because I was a minor at the time... whatever, better not to get the cops involved."
Facing two charges of assault, we questioned Mugbone while he was being booked.
“I did my research,” says the 36-year-old Mugbone as his ponytail shook in anger. "For the past few weeks, I would get in my car late at night after the mall closed and the families went home, and I would tail the mall Santa’s back to their homes, and none of them. NONE of them rode a sleigh or lived in the North Pole! It was all a hoax! They LIED to me!!! There was never an elf readiness program in place was there, MOM AND DAD?! After suing the school for silencing my voice, YOU'RE NEXT.”
Currently, he is being held in a candy cane cell. A public apology is still up for debate however local police officers are still questioning art teachers in the surrounding area to avoid this issue from recurring in the future.