In B.I.G. trouble with my wife

I was born in 1997, the same year Ellen DeGeneres announced to the world that she was gay. She came out of the closet the same day I came out of my mother. If there's one thing we have in common, it's that we are both very thankful that women exist because without them, where would we even be today? I've been thinking about my birth year a lot because I'm a narcissist and there is a good handful of people who have died in that year prior to me being born. Notorious B.I.G. died in March of that year and I appeared in September months later. Not claiming that I was the re-incarnation of one of the most famous names in music to ever exist, however If energy is never destroyed and it is just re-distributed and souls are just pure energy then maybe, just maybe, you are reading an article written by big poppa himself. Who knows? Mother Theresa also died that year! Maybe that explains my love of indoctrinating young children into the catholic faith. Who knows! I'm not saying I'm famous I'm just saying maybe I was at some point in time. I believe I am the reincarnation of someone who was once a great person in a past life and that is exactly the reason as to why I've made nothing of myself in this one so far. I mean really what does my wife want from me! Yeah, I play Xbox all day and scream slurs at children playing from countries who are active warzones over a headset, but I deserve a little R & R.

Can you believe my wife got home the other day and said " Have you REALLY been playing games ALL day??? Get up and do something! I can't keep providing for the both of us!!" I was shocked. Contribute something!? Listen lady, I was Biggie or maybe Mother, Theresa in my past life, I gave you 2 albums, 27 hit singles and pioneered an expedition of faith for the lourde, I deserve to play call of duty every once in a while! I don't think she appreciates my past life contribution to this world because... She's white. So of course, being the king of hip hop means nothing to her, she only listens to like hymns and alternative Christian music n shit like that. If you're not satisfied with what I did for hip hop, then go wait until Johnny Cash dies and raise/marry his re-incarnated self in 18 yrs when it becomes legal! I am sick and tired of her not appreciating what I've possibly done for humanity. What an ungrateful nurse/wife/breadwinner she is. Tonight, I stormed out of the house because I was sick and tired of her yelling at me. I was going to take a long nighttime drive to clear my head, but she gets paid bi-weekly, and I haven't received my gas money allowance yet. So instead of nighttime driving I just took a long nighttime razor scooter ride. I couldn't go far because my legs kept having the pins and needles sensation on account of me not having walked at all that day because I was playing Lego batman story mode all day. But when I get back, she better apologize to me, or I'll be more heated than my X-box on national play X-box day (everyday).

Shift POV to wife:

Oh him? I'm not worried, he says it's a nighttime 'drive' but he's probably on our son's razor scooter, he usually doesn't venture past the block because there's a guy down there with a dog in his yard and it makes him jump every time it barks. Plus, I can see his p.t. cruiser in the lot right there. I haven't told him yet, but I HAVE gotten paid, and guess who's not getting their gas money allowance? Last time I gave him his gas money allowance, he lied and said that he'd go out looking for a job. I checked his location, turns out he was at an arcade bar downtown all day. I thought he was picking up women at first but then I went from feeling betrayed to extremely turned-off when I smelled no booze on him, and he admitted to being there but not for the drinks or the women. He even dressed like he was going to job interviews. I said "honey, you left at 8am and that bar doesn't open until 5pm, what were you doing that whole time??" and my husband, the man I married and devoted my life to, hands in pockets, head bowed down in shame muttered " I sat out front making plans for how I would acquire the high score in all the arcade games." Do you know how disconcerting it is, driving by an arcade bar during the daytime, turning and seeing a grown man in a suit and tie, waiting outside of an arcade bar while he's going "up up, down up! down up! left right right, special attack!" and thinking "I wonder what poor woman has to deal with THAT! and then realizing that, that poor woman is YOU?!" So no, I'm not apologizing when he gets back from his scooter ride. And if he even tries to pull that weird biggie smalls mother Theresa bullshit on me, I am not going to hear it!