Isn’t this NUTS!?
It is common knowledge that right after reckless blind people, squirrels have the weakest crosswalk etiquette in the game. With this current M.O. , squirrel life expectancy age has been lowering rapidly. Humans are forced to either drive more cautiously or begin to teach the little critters to look both ways. Here’s how this local kindergarten teacher does her part in lessening traffic related squirrel mortality. À kindergarten teacher has begun to introduce some new furry friends to her class, that’ll join them for their lesson on looking both ways before crossing the road. It was an adjustment to say the least because the squirrels kept getting in trouble and having to move their clips to red. In one case they were refusing to sit on their carpet squares and protested from inside of their backpack cubbies. Though some squirrels showed understanding of the lesson being taught, others took this class time as an opportunity to choose violence. “5 of them attacked me!!” Says 5 yr old squirrel attack victim, “one moment I was eating my PB&J, the next thing I know, I’m getting punched by these wittle hands and they’re squeaking loudly!”
The squeaking would later on be translated to mean “c’mon cough ‘em up bitch, I can smell the nuts on you, give up the PB or we gon J you! (J for jump).
“They’re running rampant! Grouping them with the children was a huge mistake. They’ve formed gangs !” Reported the teacher.
In an unexpected pairing the nut allergy children have sided with the squirrel gang and speak squirrel language fluently now, despite, continuing to require speech therapy in english. They can’t say their r’s properly but they can click up a hell of a storm! When asked why they be-friended these nut eaters (this may come across as a derogatory term to some) the children responded, “we awh awegic to nuts and dey get wid of da nuts fo us by eating dem! It’s a win win situwashun!” When asked what he does during lunchtime while his squirrel friends are eating nuts next to him, the child in question responded “I ain’t neva caught lacking!! I keep that thang on me!” Then he lifted his paw patrol shirt, brandishing an alarming 4 epi-pens in the waistline of his oskosh jeans. He was then detained in the media center for questioning to find out where he acquired this many epipens.
In related news, a vigil is being held for 16 squirrel students. They perished while attempting to cross a major highway without looking both ways. Their last words were “cmon gang! They can’t run over all of us!”… The oncoming 18 wheeler proved otherwise. It actually was the only truck that ran over all 16. Local math teacher reports that’s a perfect ratio of 1.125 squirrel for every wheel on the 18 wheeler. “If only they had ran across front to back instead of all side by side. Smdh, didn’t even reach the driver side” states this same teacher.
Many are speculating that this was an inside job because the driver of the 18 wheeler was none other than the husband of their homeroom teacher. Further investigation is being done in order to rule out conspiracy theories in the deaths of these squirrels. proper burials have been put on hold due to body retrieval hardships. “They’re in the 4th lane out of 8, so gimme some time, it’s a very busy highway!” Says Cletus, a volunteer roadkill specialist.
With this many squirrels continuing to perish because of unsafe road crossing practices it begs a new question. Instead of the old adage Why did the chicken cross the road? squirrels should be asking themselves, HOW the hell did he do it and live?