Vampires and Canadian Olive Garden
Introducing Canadian Olive gardens new spokesperson, Count Dracula! We really mean it when we say that these Garlic knots are so good they're to die for! It is common knowledge to all across the globe that for a vampire garlic could mean a slow and painful death. But what if... death was delicious?? We'd like to reveal that we are partnering with hospitals all around Canada and offering Medical assistance with dying (MAWD) (assisted suicide) services for a very specific population...Vampires. Here is a word from the count himself!
"*sigh* I've lived long enough.. There is nothing to live for in this world anymore. I’ve seen the Epstein file names, I’ve watched the colonization of Africa, I saw the 1st 9/11 happen… I witnessed Israel genocide the Palestinians but after I lost the first leg of my parlay betting on the ponies PAUSES TO ADJUST FEDORA AND LEATHER CAPE... I thought to myself, I’ve truly lost all hope in the living, time to kill myself why KNOT eat garlic? I mean people risk bad breath by eating these all day so it must be good! I think this is how I want to go out. I'm committing suicide by Garlic Knots and it will be televised all across Canada even though we vampires cannot be caught on camera and I have spent hours upon hours trying to explain this to the film and production crew but they are still bent on trying it.
This is just the first step in the Canadian vampire reduction program. Justin Trudeau has already made some statements during media press conferences referencing the event. When asked why the millions of dollars of funds to kickstart this program wasn’t allotted to the “We literally only need like 5000 to fix poverty in all of Canada” budget, Trudeau responded, “Good question, I think count choculla, robert patterson and that sesame street motherfucker should consider hitting us up, cause they should kill themselves too, for setting unrealistic expectations of vampires for both little girls AND little kids with dyscalculia, it’s a shame, eh? Does that answer the question”
Vampire attacks have gone down significantly since the new program was implemented however in totally unrelated news, there has been an insane population boom in werewolves, maaan there are so many werewolves. Like holy shit, it’s a lot, folks are just dying left and right, In other other unrelated news, the furry community has been dwindling like crazy as well. The president of the furry committee has issued a public warning stating “If you see what appears to be a wolf, before approaching for consent to kinky furry sex, 1st, check the sky! If it’s a full moon then don’t approach, that guys not in costume, he’s probably a werewolf. No really, turn and book it on your human legs, if you’re in furry costume, you can TRY fleeing on all fours, but the success rate of that method has been insanely low. like zero, low. This is a serious situation and we’ve lost many furries to this common ploy …RIP the mayor and his wife… Anyways, if there’s NOT a full moon in the sky and the person in question still appears to be a wolf, then call animal control because that’s probably an actual wolf, the local pack has gotten a taste for blood ever since that one blood bank bus crashed off road while going around the bend of an insanely steep cliffside.”