Dine & dash, the right way

The most fun way to exercise is by going to your local fast food joint and use it as a gym. Do pullups on the light fixtures, shadow box the Lifesize grimace cardboard cutout, do a farmers walk with a happy meal in each hand and a few clean and presses with a biggie bag on each end of a mop stick. Also jog in place while you’re waiting in line, and occasionally turn to the patron behind you and go “You’ve really got a before the transformation, body type, what’s the after picture, a coffin?” then go “UP TOP" and try to high five the kids’ mothers from behind the stroller he’s in. I usually order the pre-workout, a.k.a. the McDonalds sprite, sometimes when the cashier asks for my Visa card for payment, I try to tap to pay while still doing jumping jacks with my 3 other limbs and then complain that their pin pad is not working”

While waiting for your food with the other customers ask one of them the sit on your toes while you do crunches, if they ask what you’re training for, say “I’m fighting a domestic violence case in a few weeks” and when they back away in fear throw your arms up and exclaim, “It WAS DOMESTIC, WE’RE IN PUBLIC RIGHT NOW, YOU’RE SAFE… ASSUMEDLY… SEMANTICALLY SPEAKING”. When your food comes out, ask the food runner this crucial question. “Is this wendys 4 for 4, ketoVeganpaleo friendly?” And when he says no and gives you the gen-z stare, look back at him angrily and breathe for about 7 beats very audibly with full rise and fall of your chest until you get lightheaded and go “PERFECT” then take your order. You then deconstruct the sandwich, hold the bun in your left hand and the patty in your right hand, then begin to curl them. Really make a show of it too, grunt, count aloud, poop yourself, anything to show em, you’re reeeaaallly lifting heavy weights. Then once the Wendy’s Store manager pulls the lunk alarm on you (aka calls the police) you go out into the parking lot, stretch as much as you need to (This is where the real workout starts) and once the cops arrive, wait until they walk out of their cars towards you. That’s when you yell “I have a bomb!!” then BOOK IT. As fast as you can back to your place (don’t worry, they’ll follow you, cops and street comedians with microphones are the only people who will chase you down to ask you a question). Don’t use ALL your energy just yet, because once you reach your front lawn, that’s when the MMA portion of the workout begins. Make sure to duck behind certain cars only though, because you only have your body, the cops will be fighting dirty with things like guns, batons and choppers. Don’t let that stop you though, you’ve got a fighting spirit! If this doesn’t sound like your type of workout then have fun dying of fatness you fatty boombaddy, whattya think rome was build in a day?? You know how many assault charges I have to appear for in order to get these abs? you EARN status in life, it’s not given. Ugh… Now if you’ll excuse me, a new Bojangles just opened up nearby and it’s leg day.